T'was The Night Before Christmas (I Need A Fucki'n Beer)

T'was the night before Christmas and this is my house.
Pa was asleep, the fat drunken louse.
Ma was upstairs with her dildo on high.
My brother the crack head was trying to stay dry.

The kiddies we gone, totally snoozed.
Cause we weren't looking and so they got boozed.
As we picked them up and took them to bed,
Johnny boy puked and my face got all red.

I had just finished one beer and was ready for bed.
When I heard a great band that was not in my head.
I ran to the window and what did I see?
My gay cousin Ernie was taking a pee.

He looked on the roof and gave a great squeal.
I had to go out to see what was the deal.
A man with a sack was way on the top.
He was dressed all in black, so I called a cop.

I went back in the house to go and pass out.
When this big guy in red let out a big shout.
I reached for a gun and then I took aim.
I shot not to kill, but only to maim.

The fat bugger ducked, and I hit the fire.
The scotch bottle shattered and sent the flames higher.
The big jolly elf was totally pissed.
And as he turned on me, I was sorry I missed.

He looked into his sack and took out a small stick.
It's fuse was 12 inches, more than my dick.
And into the fire he threw this big candle.
It caused a big boom, more than I knew I could handle.

He then came right at me with a wood baseball bat.
He roared so damned loud, it freaked out my cat.
I ran really fast, and hid under the couch.
But he got my legs and I cried out "Ouch!!!!!!!!!"

Well, not really I lie, I said something worse.
But...ah what the fuck, I let out a curse.
I hobbled on out from my hidey place.
And then that fat bastard threw soot in my face.

I screamed and I cried and fell over a vase.
Then he sprayed my eyes, with a whole can of mace.
I fell to the ground as I called out "Stop"
But the shit head he gave me, a single last pop.

He then picked me up, and gave a big smile.
As I grabbed a tooth that had fell on the tile.
He gave me a gift and then he disappeared.
The night could be over, but not quite I feared.

Santa's a bastard, he doesn't fight fair.
As a trophy he came back, and took a lock of hair.
He has won this round, and maybe next year.
I'll skip fuckin Christmas and hide in Zaire.

A Must Note

The following is a list of things I think everyone should know. It may save your life one day.

1. Pants are a must.
2. Jeans count as pants.
3. A pepperoni pizza covers all 4 basic food groups, therefore it is ok to wash it down with chocolate sauce.
4. Love is not logical.
5. Pain happens.
6. Blowjobs are a good thing.
7. Without photos, there is no proof.
8. There is no rule eight.
9. The sky is only the limit if you are not an astronaut.
10. No one is automatically good in bed. It takes practice.
11. If life were fair, I would be on my third marriage, 8th trip to rehab and my 3rd comeback album. All without gaining the belly.
12. He will always be an asshole.
13. She will always be a bitch.
14. They are never wrong, unless they are.
15. Hubba Hubba. Nuff said.
16. See rule 8.
17. Falling off a building does not kill you, nor does a car crash. It is the sudden stop of movement that does it.
18. They care more about you than you do yourself. Unless you are so vain.
19. Memories are only good if they make you laugh. Forget the rest.
20. Men should not wear panties unless they are starting in the RHPS.
21. No one can think of more than 22 things in one sitting.
22. ............I got nothing.

So, I Have Been Thinking

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Sorry, bad weekend.

Just A Thought

Snow sucks.

As God.....

I have decided that I want to run for the position of God.

As such, I am stating my list of 10 Commandments for you to follow.

1. Thou shalt shake thy booty at least once a week.
2. Thou shalt be given free liposuction if thou art 40lbs overweight.
3. Thou shalt not kill. (One the originals, I know, but I like it.)
4. Thou shalt wear only thongs and G-strings if thou art a woman (except that time of the month).
5. Thou shalt discover the need for penguins to the ecological well being of the universe. If one cannot be found, thou shalt use them as new food source.
6. Thou shalt take turns massaging God's nether regions.
7. Thou shalt ensure that scientists work on a way to make chocolate non-fattening, taste the same as the fattening kind that currently exists, and make it as healthy to eat as vegetables.
8. Thou shalt earn at least $56 an hour, but only work 4 hours a day.
9. Thou shalt take turns massaging God's nether regions. (I know this is a repeat, but I consider it important enough to be put down twice!!)
10. Every day, I shall appoint one person to be the Patron Saint of Sex. Keep the prayers coming, tomorrow, it could be YOU!!!!!!!





Has anyone seen my car keys?

Random Thoughts

So, where do Eskimo's go on vacation?

Is there really more than one way to skin a cat?

Why is it called a blowjob when there is mostly sucking involved?

Should we really be able to get glue out of the bottle?

Why is it taking a "dump" when we leave something behind?

Why do we perform sexual acts involving out mouths and genitalia, then consider a lick on the cheek disgusting? It is the same saliva as when you get a kiss on the cheek?

Whoever said money cannot buy happiness, never got a really expensive call girl.

Why do people say that life sucks? What have the got to compare it to?

Who is Pete that we are doing it for his sake? I can understand doing it for Christ's sake, but I don't know Pete.

Songs Finally Answered

I was informed that I did not answer the question "Will you still love me tomorrow?" on one of my previous blogs.

Shame on me. That is one of the biggest and earliest song questions ever asked.

The answer is simple.

Only if I remember tonight.

Got Another Question

So, who do you think would look better shaved.

Where?

That is up to you!!!!

Questions Finally Answered.

Who let the dogs out? - Droopy. He missed his friends.

Where have all the flowers gone? - Stupid question in the desert!!

Why does it all have to end? - Because then we would not have a reason for chick songs.

Who are you? - I refuse to answer on the grounds that I will be in big doo doo!!!!

Culture Time

I never wanted to do this job in the first place!
I... I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK!

(piano vamp)

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!


Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????
(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

CHORUS

What Is Wrong With People?

I have a Facebook account. I am having a poke-war with a few people. Hey, it is a fun way to keep in touch without having to have an actual message.

There is actually a group of people out there who say that poking is the same as fucking!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

C'mon folks. You are just giving someone a reminder that you are out there!!! Grow up!!!! If it the same as fucking, then I am the biggest slut on the planet!!!! And I might as well get the divorce papers done up, because, if I am doing all this poking/fucking then I am cheating on her with more partners than Homer Simpson has had donuts!!!!!

If it wasnt for the fact that there are some real nice people out there, I would let the penguins have you.

I Have Been Away Too Long

Hello sweetie. Did you miss me?

Come here and give me a kiss. Ohhhhh how I missed you. I am sorry to have been away for so long baby. I have been working and am just exhausted at the end of the day. Then the weekend comes and I am out all the time. I am so sorry to have neglected you.

I promise to return to you soon. I need to go to sleep. I promise to come back to you soon.

Good Night my little snugglypuff.

(There, now my blog should not be so upset that I have been away for so long)

A Typical Day

So I suffer from insomnia and had set my alarm for 6:20 this morning. I woke up at one point, look at the alarm clock and wonder why if the display is showing 6:22, why did it not go off. I turn to look at the PVR (kinda like a TiVo if there are any American readers, never mind any readers at all) and it is showing the time as 5:22.

It has happened sometimes that when setting the alarm, the clock moves ahead an hour, so no big deal. As I am reseting the clock, I also discover that in the long run it would not have mattered because, when setting the alarm time, I failed to turn the damn thing on in the first place. To top it all of, my brain said to my body, "You are getting up in only an hour, so why bother going back to sleep?"

I tried to fight it, but the birds (that discovered that there is a gap in the window thanks to some pre-installed ledging on the inside windowsill and have now built a nest under the air-conditioner inside my bedroom) just had some babies, so they decided it was time for a sing song.

So this is the first 20 minutes of my day. I flake on the couch to get away from the birds and then got picked up by a friend because I was borrowing her car for the day to help a friend of mine out.

Wanna guess how the rest of it went?

Another List

Here is another list that compiles the random thoughts in my head.

TITLES FOR THE BIOGRAPHICAL FILMS OF CELEBRITIES

Seriously, What Have I Done? - The Paris Hilton Story
White Trash To Fame And Back Again - The Britney Spears Story
Mewoswasfdlaseryrodrfrhg (My Life Is Seriously Fucked Up) - The Ozzy Osbourne Story
Pouty Teen Cop To Ambiguosly Gay Pirate - The Johnny Depp Story
Seriously, What The Fuck Is Going On - My Story (I'm not a celebrity, YET!!!!)

Meh, bored now. Blog over. Go home.

Forgive Me

Ok, I have been slacking again. I deserve to be shot.

It has been 10 days since my last entry and I used to do one at lease every 7 days.

LET ME LIVE!!!!!!!!!

It has been busy. I have a job now, I shaved things that are supposed to be hairy on a 34 year old man.

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started this thing at an early age. (I tend to die almost every 6-8 months in a freak accident, and because God hates me, I get reincarnated almost immediately with all my memories in tact. The media have stopped reporting my deaths because by the time they show up, I have come back and it makes them really cranky when that happens.)

I wanted an outlet for my particluar brand of brain-dribble. (My friend Rod thinks I should sue Jack Black for copyright infringment because he is rich and famous for using my personality. I thought about it, but as he is 4 years older than me, I think I would lose the case.)

And now I have been gone for so long, I have lost my faithful audience. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? Don't you know our blogger cry for you? Ohh Ohh Ohh!!

I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me for being so tardy. ( I would have published this earlier, but I spent the past 5 days trying to figure out how to apologize.)

I will do Much Music, I mean Much Love, I mean much better in the past. (I am not sure if I have a future. My birth certificate expires soon.)

Things I Want To See In This World

Humans erased
Easy to open CD packaging
Fat guys become the new Brad Pitts
A pill that allows you to lose up to 80lbs safely
More men in kilts
More chubby chasers with loose morals
Some one at an awards show thank Satan and Veggie Thins for their success
An all midget soap opera
The death of attitude
Less interference in other peoples lives
Bond for President
Robin Williams as dictator of the world for a week
My feet
A gorilla in a tutu doing the Macarena

Sorry

Ok, as seen in the comment for my last blog, I got in shit for not having an entertaining blog entry.

I am sorry.(Seriously, is anybody actually reading this thing?)

I will do better.

I never should have published such a lame entry.

Thoughts This Week.

I got nothing.

Things That Don't Belong In My Underwear

Pizza
A Guy
A Lawnmower
A Gun
A Crazed Midget With An Irrational Fear Of Snakes And The Personally Decided Mission To Slice All That He Sees Into Ribbons
Cheese
Feminine Hygine Products
A G-String (C'mon, I am 270lbs and none of it is muscle)
Anything With Scales

Songs I Want Played At My Funeral

When I die (whenever it is that one of many have planned) I do not want sappy songs played. I want something a little different.

Please play the following tunes:

Wipeout - The Safari's
The Doctor Who Theme (not Doctorin' The Tardis by the Timelords, but the actual theme)
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover - Simon and Garfunkel
I Want To Break Free - Queen
The Haunting - Kamelot
Superheroes - Edguy
Bat Out Of Hell - Meat Loaf
The Night Patty Murphy Died - Great Big Sea
Touch Of Evil - Judas Priest
Highway To Hell - AC/DC

Thank you for your support

My Favorite Word

Guam

I just like the sound of it.

Facebook Is Evil

OK, a new thing is fun. We get involved in something new and we just run with it. I started this blog and it seemed like I wanted to write something everyday. Now, it seems like I struggle to come up with a weekly entry.

Scary, but true.

I have been introduced to Facebook and I can't stop!!!!!!!

It was cute at first. Had a few friends that I added to my friend list and that was fine. Then it started.

A friend I had not seen in a few years found me. Then another, and another. IT WONT STOP!!!!!!! It is like a beast that wont stop feeding. I have to check it 5 or 12 times aday!!

Please someone, save me. What can I do? I am happy to see these old friends again. It is nice to catch up on what some people have been doing over the years, but when will it stop?

Hell, MY DAD IS ON MY FRIENDSHIP LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to know what to do. Someone take this needle out, take the monkey away!!!!!

Things My Son Has Said

Ok, like every other parent out there, I have been stunned by some of the things my son has let fly from the combination of his brain, lips and voice box:

"You do" - He let out a long stream of curse words and this was his response when my wife told him we don't say those words.

"That's a small car...............I'm a small kid.................I could drive that." - his response to seeing his first Smart car.

"Told you" - He had been complaining of a sore tummy. He had been fine and only started to complain when I told him to do something he didn't want to do. I left the room, telling him his stomach was fine, for a few seconds and came back to a living room floor covered in semi-digested hotdogs.

"You didn't say anything about my Gameboy" - He was being punished and was not allowed to play on the computer or on his Playstation 2. I meant his punishment was no video games, but forgot about the Gameboy.

"Did you guys have sex last night" - His question when he got back from his grandfather's place so we could celebrate our 1 year anniversary.

Gotta love kids!!!

HAPPY DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so here I am on a PC again!!!!!!

I have been stuck using my dad's mac for a while, and I couldn't do half the things I like to do.

This will enable me to put pics on now and lets have some fun.

I figured I would put the first pic of me in my natural state

Drunk and horny!!!!!!!

Things I See No Need For

The following is a list of things that, over time, I just don't see the point of:

Aglets
Nipples on Men
Underwear (unless you are a woman on THAT time of the month)
Lettuce
Pants (I am a Scot, and the feeling of a kilt is really quite refreshing)
Pom Pom's on socks
Any show with the word "Idol" in it. (Sorry Soul Patrol. I know that without the show, you would never have heard of Taylor Hicks, but it also gave us another reason for Ben Mulroney to be on the air in Canada)
Ben Mulroney
Cherries. (I just don't like them)
Penguins!!!!( C'mon, you knew it would be on the list)
Hair dye (Ok, granted. It makes my wife look like the Baroness from the old G.I. Joe cartoon, and I have issues, but that is besides the point)
People who are famous for nothing except they are from a famous family

There is more, but I have ranted enough for today.

Who Is On The Stage

For one of the best things ever, that a music history buff could love, check out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39xNlnmNLf4

T-SHIRT SLOGAN IDEAS

Ok folks, I have decided to get a t-shirt made with my own saying on it. Which should I get?

PINK PARTS SHOULD BE KISSED.

SURE, WE CAN INVITE YOUR MOM. BUT SHE HAS TO PUT OUT TOO!!!

WANNA HELP MAKE MY DOT COM?

WANNA SEE IF MY POTTER IS HAIRY?

SHE LIKES IT WHEN THE SWELLING DOESN'T GO DOWN.

SATAN CALLED. GET BACK TO WORK!!

DOES YOUR DAD KNOW WHAT WE DID?

I DONT SHAVE IT. I AM NATURAL!!

HAVE YOU SEEN MY UNDERWEAR? WANNA?

MOST FAMOUS ROCKSTAR YOU NEVER HEARD OF!!!!!!

Let me know folks.

Fuck I Hate Being Tagged

LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU HAVE NEVER SAID BEFORE:

1. No, thank you, I don't like the taste of beer.
2. Sex is disgusting. I would never do it.
3. Anyone want this last slice of rabbit?
4. Why do I have to be the one who shaves the buffalo?

LIST ANY NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU'VE FELT THIS WEEK:

1. Superheroes - Edguy
2. Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
3. All You Need Is Love - The Beatles
4. Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me - TISM

IMAGINE YOU ARE HAVING THE IDEAL, PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING:

1. Waking up to see that my extra weight has dissolved into nothingness.
2. Waking up the naked, totally satisfied twins with 38D breasts who are lying beside me.
3. Walk around knowing that I will never hurt for cash, no matter how much I spend.
4. Looking in my library wondering which of the million books I own, will I read next.

MAKE UP 5 NEW CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:

1. Wookie Dander
2. Flushed Dooky
3. Inflated Love Doll Of Perversion
4. Sticky
5. I Was Your Underwear In My Previous Life

CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HEARING THEM. WHICH SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE:

1. The Sign - Ace Of Base
2. Anything by ABBA
3. Dead Puppies (But only so I could be the one who wrote it)

Anybody else got some answers they would like to put up?

Wandering Mind

Why is it when someone claims they heard voices in their head, the voices as always saying "Kill" or "Harm people"?
Why don't anyone's voices ever say "Knit a sweater" of "Feed the homeless"?

Who was the first person to say, "You know that dangly part under the cow/goat? I'm gonna drink whatever comes out of their!!"

Why does no one ever complain that they have a pop belly?

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no wife to hear him, is he still wrong?

Where does my heart beat now?

If a rose were called shit, and shit was called a rose, would it really still smell as sweet?

Why do the voices in my head keep insisting that cheezies must be eaten?

Questions I Want Answers To!!!!!

What did the flower people say?

Who did let the dogs out?

Who wrote the book of love?

Where are my car keys?

If we get olive oil from olives, where do we get baby oil from?

Why, I, I, I, I don't you use it? (Bad me, for the Duran Duran reference)

If the frankfurter originated in Frankfurter, why does Lake Titicaca have to be misleading like that?

Is anything worn under a Scotsmans kilt? Or is it all in working order?

Why does my therapist insist that I only leave a message and then never return my calls?

My Life

Ok, so no joking today.

I am announcing the death of my old personality, or at least parts of it.

My weirdness will remain. My vibrancy will continue. But I am not letting myself get screwed by life anymore.

My wife and I have made some bad financal decisions and as a result we are filing for bankruptcy. It is sad that it has to come to this, but it will provide us with a fresh start.

I am getting my forklift license. This will improve my job prospects as well, and may get me some good money.

1973-2006: The years that taught me fun is good, but made me Karma's bitch
2007: The year I get things straightened out in my life and make some advances, and no walking backwards
2008-????: The years I make reality MY bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Survey That I decided to do out of bordem

I stole this from Ang, who stole it from Dana, who stole it from Turn, who got it from Mimi.....

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship.

That is personal.

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?

Never did, but have thought about it, just to be me. Or as some people would say, just to be weird. They are the same thing.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?

Taking my son to school

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?

Farting about on the computer. Talking online, probably doing a Sudoko

5. Are you any good at math?

I need to take off my socks and underwear to count to 21

6. Your prom night?

Went stag. Got none.

7. Do you have any famous relatives?

I may be related to Jack the Ripper. Most people how know me tend to say that it explains alot.

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?

Nope, but for other reasons.

9. Do you know the words to your MySpace song?

I don't have a MySpace account.

10. Last thing you received in the mail?

A Loan offer I didn't qualify for, from the loan I let go to collections

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?

2 - Milk and water.

12. Who most recently made you smile?

My wife

13. Who did you lose your virginity to?

Merike. I at least had the courtesy to thank her, cause she is also the reason I started drinking.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?

Never really go.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?

Needle in an infected gum

16. What is out your back door?

The balcony (4th floor of an apartment building)

Due to censorship issues, Number 17 has been erased from this survey.

18. Do you like the ocean?

Big wet thing? It's ok I guess. (Mind you, that also describes some of my ex girlfriends.)

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?

No, but I can dream

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?

The last time I went, my age was just starting the double digits.

22. Something you are excited about?

STOPPING THOSE DAMNED PENGUINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Half Baked by Ben & Jerry

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?

No.

25. Describe your keychain.

Invisable. Don't have one

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group?

If Karaoke counts, a couple of weeks ago.

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?

New England Patriots. Borrowed. Thanks Jay

29. What do you think of the person you copied this from?

I have dirty thoughts about her al the time.

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?

closed

You Know You Want To Also

Mwaaaa Haaaaa Haaaaaa. C'mon, don't tell me you have never wanted to laugh like that as well?!?!

Here Is Something To Think About

My father-in-law sent me an email recently that got me thinking, and led me to a mental rant.

There were 3 things that it covered:

Less than 59 years ago the following things did not exist:

TV
Penicillin
Polio Shots
Frozen Foods
Xerox
Contact Lenses
Frisbees
The Pill
Credit Cards
Laser Beams
Ball-point pens
Pantyhose
Air Conditioners
Dishwashers
Clothes Dryers (Clothes were hung out on clothes lines to dry)
Space Travel
Gay Rights
Computer Dating
Daycare Centres
Group Therapy
FM Radio
And much more

The Difference In What Words Meant:

Grass was mowed
Coke was a soft drink
Pot was used for cooking
Rock music was Grandma singing you a lullaby in her favorite chair
Aids helped out in the Principal's office
A chip was a piece of wood
Hardware was purchased in a Hardware store

The Difference In Social Norms:

People got married, then lived together
If you were under 25, every man older than you was called "SIr"
If you were older than 25, any man (such as a policeman) who had a title, was still called "Sir"
Lives were governed by good judgment and common sense
People didn't have "ism's" or "osis's" If you had a problem, you stood up and took responsibility for your own actions. It wasn't the fault of a "disease"
Kids didn't blow their brains out listening to bands played on the radio (although, if i had nothing but Tommy Dorsey, or Fabian, I would put a bullet in my brain
It was important to you that the products you bought were made in the same country that you lived in
And much more

This resulting rant will be continued in the next blog...................

Here It Comes

Ok, so we all know that there is one day a year we all dread or love. Our birthday. Today (I am posting this in the evening, so if anyone is actually reading this blog, I know I put it in one day early) February 26th, is mine.

Do I love it? I guess. But not as much as I used to. I will be spending the day, doing nothing, except for talking online, and paying a bill. Ohhhhhhhhhh, whoopdie do!!!!

To all those who actually remembered. Thanks for saying something. To those who didn't remember, aw well.

How I Feel Right Now

Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored, Bored.

Think About It

Ok, so fat grams are important to weight loss and maintanence

0grams
Orgasm

Rather close don't you think?

Ode To The Penis

Delight in the things you do
Into many problems, you have gotten me
Can't stop using you for something
Kelly was one of them

Pretending to be asleep is never a good thing
Really, why do you get me into so much trouble
It is useful
Can't think of a line here
Knew what you were up to all along

We use them for many things
I know we only think of one use for it
Let us remember it has several uses
Let us stop the prosicution
You know you love it too

Make Me Ruler Of The Earth

I want to rule the world!!!!!!!!

Every day we see stories about human stupidity in the news. Many of my friends have a story in the news to rant about, and I have decided we need one voice to fix things.

Please use the comment section to choose a topic, and I will post my stance on it.

REMEMBER, THE FATE OF HUMANITY COULD BE IN YOUR SHOULDERS!!!!!!!!!!

Besides, I like the sound of "Paul - Master Of All"

A Goodbye Letter

Hello. I am Paul's sanity. I would like to say goodbye.

For years I have fought with this man for years and have finally given up the fight. You can only do this gig for so long and eventually there comes a time when you have to say no more. For me, this is that time.

He has never liked me, and as his 34th birthday approaches, I have decided to look back at my accomplishments. When I did this, I realized that there is really no point in me hanging around. He never listens to me.

Did he listen to me when I told him that his hands should not go there?
Did he listen to me when I told him that painting a piece of paper all black and calling it an eclipse is not art?
Did he listen to me when I told him that dating (insert one of many names here) would lead to trouble?
Did he listen to me when I told him that consuming that much alcohol was not safe?
Did he listen to me when I told him that taking that job would be a bad idea?
Did he listen to me when I told him that quitting that job would be a bad idea?
Did he listen to me when I told him that fuzzy slippers are not a fashion accessory to be worn on public transportation (for 2 hours) is good fashion sense?

The list goes on.

I am done. I quit. I cannot take it anymore. It is like trying to walk up a 90 degree angle in molassas, in winter, wearing suction cup shoes!!!!!!!!!

Earth, you can have him.

I Watch Some Weird Shit!!!

Ok, by now, anyone who reads these blogs of mine, knows I am a little off my rocker.

I like the absurd and am a movie buff. Older movies.

I have been accused, by mostly my wife, of "You watch some weird shit"!

It is true. Harvey Birdman, Drawn Together, Robot Chicken, The Venture Bros. They all give me the giggles and take away reality for me.

So now I am passing on one of my favorites sites to you

If you have a sense of humour, and want to see some of your favorite movies acted out by cartoon bunnies in roughly 30 seconds, go to www.angryalien.com (or click on the above link)

Alien
Brokeback Mountain
Caddyshack
Casablanca
A Christmas Story
Fight Club
Freddy vs. Jason
Highlander
Jaws
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Star Wars
Superman

And this is only a partial list. If you want a break to laugh your bits off. This is a must see website. And they are always working on more

Tagged Again

Ok, so the silling tagging thing has jumped me again. Of course, being a guy, I like being jumped, so here we go:

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
On a cloud so I could look down at all the minions who will worship my godhood!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. What is your favorite article of clothing?
My black silk garter belt with matching stockings.......ooops!!! I mean my black leather blazer.

3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
Eyes.

4. What is the last CD you bought?
Bought? I download individual songs, or borrow off of friends, or get them as a gift.

5. Where is your favorite place to be?
With the people I care about.

6. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Between a woman and a shoe store.

7. What is your favorite place to be massaged?
:) Hur hur hur.

8. Strong in mind, or strong in body?
Odour! I mean neither. I am a lazy flabby wimp who is mentally diseased and unstable.

9. What time do you wake up in the morning?
I get out of bed at 7:30am on weekdays, but don't think I have ever actually "woken up".

10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My son. He is very helpful in the kitchen.

11. What makes you really angry?
Biting into a carmel cream and getting a cherry.

12. If you could play any intstrument, what would it be?
Bass Guitar.

13. Favorite colour?
Black, then red, then plaid.

14. Which do you prefer? Sports car or SUV?
I don't fucking care! I just want a bloody car!!

15. Do you beleive in the afterlife?
I have to deal with the crazy shit in this life!!! I haven't got time to think about the next one.

16. Favorite children's book?
Encyclopedia Brown

17. What is your favorite season?
HOCKEY SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

18. Your least favorite household chore?
All of them!

19. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
MIND TAKING BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ooooh ehhhh ooooh)

20. If you have a tattoo, what is it?
Which one? The playing card of the Joker with a tear in his eye holding a Phantom mask? Raisltin's eyes? Or the tattoo that is the initials of myself, wife and son?

21. Can you juggle?
Not even my life!!

22. The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?
Rusty and Crash to find out why they cut me out of their lives after 20 years without an explination. ( I would even accept "All I have to say is that you are an asshole.")

23. What is your favorite day?
None, I am Nightbreed baby!!!!!!!!!!!

24. What is in the trunk of your car?
If I had a car, I would put anything in it!!! Even bodies if i needed to!!

25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here Is A Thought

So I was talking with a friend the other day and the topic of mind riddles came up.

This got me thinking about how much I love the buggers. So I decided to post a few, but one at a time.

Some are ones I heard years ago, and some are ones I recently read. As far as I know none are copyrighted, so I am sorry if you read it elsewhere. Post your answers in the comments section.

Ready?

Ok, here we go.

Battlestar Galactica
Breakfast At Tiffany's
Star Trek: TNG
Rocky III

There is a common thread that links these together.

What is it?

THEIVES, THEIVES, FUCKIN' THEIVES!!!!!!!!

So I am at a mall with my wife and a friend and his kid and my kid. We sit at a 2 seater table. The kids share one seat and my buddy, who has had knee surgery, takes the other seat. No big deal. It was my suggestion.

I put my black leather biker jacket with my house keys, cellphone, and his car keys on the back of the chair that the kids are sitting on. We are at this 2 seater for 5 minutes, and then we see a 4 seater open up, so we move to the better seats. This 4 seater is 6 feet away from the 2 seater.

15 minutes later I realize that I don't see my biker jacket. We look over at the 2 seater. IT IS GONE!!!!! None of the mall cleaners saw it. No one handed it in to them. We go to Mall Services, and no one has handed it in.

So I end up having to spend $60.00 for a cab so we can get back to my buddy's place. Use the spare house keys to get in, so we can get the spare car keys, and back to the mall.

This took an hour and it still had not been turned in when I got back to the mall.

IF IT AIN'T YOURS, DON'T FUCKING TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck the Justice System. Cut the hands of a thief like they do in some cultures!! Then have a showing on all the news programs and in all the paper every day of the latest batch of hands that used to belong to the little bastards who still don't get the fucking point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Band Names I Would Like To See

Every now and thenm I hear or think of something that sounds like a good name for a band. Here are some of them:

Sin Bin Wardens
Dirty Shanty Lust
The Weasel Jambouree
Pierced Ankles


Let me know if you think of any others.

Tag!!! I Am It

SILLY MEME

1.When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I don't look in the mirror. They break when I do.

2.How much cash do you have on you?
None. I am so broke, homeless people are offering me change.

3.What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Whore. Sigh, the good old days.

4.Do you label yourself?
No. The stitching hurt when the needle went through my skin.

5.Bright or Dark Room?
Dark

6.Why is there always a missing question?
Better question is why did it leave.

7.What does your watch look like?
Don't wear a watch. That way I show up whenever I want.

8.What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching TV wishing sleep would take me like a horny woman.

9.Where is your nearest 7-11?
Don't know. The one across the street was torn down for a self cleaning car wash. (Why would a car wash need to clean itself?)

10.What’s a word that you say a lot?
"The".

11.Who told you he/she loved you last?
My son.

12.Last furry thing you touched?
Myself.

13.How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None. Went digital baby.

14.Favorite age you have been so far?
624. Sigh. To be young and in Pompei again.

15.Your worst enemy?
The Penguins. (C'mon, you knew I had to get them in there somewhere!)

16.What is your current desktop picture?
It changes to random pictures.

17.What was the last thing you said to someone?
I Love You Buddy. I tell my son this everymorning.

18.The last song you listened to?
Sacrifice by Edguy

19.What time of day were you born?
It was 12:45pm in Scotland, and that translates into 7:45am in Toronto.

20.What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Leave and bitch.

21.Do you consider yourself kind?
Kind of what? Kiddding. I hope so

22.What’s your life motto?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23.Name three things you have on you at all times.
My skin, my hair and my tattoos.

24.Can you change the oil on a car?
Yes, but it is a bitch putting the diaper on.

25.When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
What century is it?

SHHHHHH

My sanity is sleeping.

Random Weirdness That Proves My Brain Should Not Be Left To It's Own Devices

Ok, so I am completely bored and asked my friend what I should do. She sugguested that i come up with reasons for different cartoon characters to be charged on Harvey Birdman (Shaggy and Scooby getting busted for possession is still the best one).

Instead I came up with an idea of my own, so here they are.

CHARACTER NAME CHANGES IF STAR WARS WAS A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE

Darth Vader - Deep Vibrator
Han Solo - Hand Solo
(Princess) Leia Organa- (Princess) Lay-Me To Orgasm
Anikan Skywalker - And-I'm-In Bedlayer
Yoda - Mona (Cheesy, I know, but what on this list isn't?)
Emperor Palpatine - Mounting Papsmear (Did I just get that gross?)
Chewie - Actually I don't see a need to change that one


And I refuse to change Boba Fett out of fear for what would happen to me if I did. (You know who you are Crysania)

If you think of anymore, please let me know.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been found that the penguins have reached the North Pole and added a new species to their list of allies.

Latest reports show that they have been joined by the polar bears. It is my suspicion that they will use these gentle bohemeths as their Marine Corps. Reports lead us to believe that underhanded tactics were used in their recruitment.

It started with a simple bribe of a bottle of cola soda. Then our small black and white militia lied to the furry but gentle beasts claiming that the eskimos were plotting to use large cases of poison to reduce their population.

Stay tuned for more updates.