Friday, December 19, 2008

THIS IS IT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so for years I have warned you all that the penguins are plotting world domination.

Here in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (Just in case anyone other than Ang or Tami reads this) we have had very mild winters for the past few years. It was at that point there where many of us were fondly remembering winters of our youth where we wore snowsuits and parkas in late November, early December.

Now we have 3 major storms planned over the next 5 days. THIS IS IT PEOPLE!!!!!!

I figured out that they reasons for the mild winters has been because they were perfecting their freeze ray. Capable of making the weather colder and creating massive amounts of snow.

They had problems and glitches in the beginning and had the tempatures were mixed up, and it was producing rain and warmer weather.

BUT NOW IT IS PERFECTED. RUN WHILE YOU CAN FOLKS!!!!!! HEAD FOR FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 28, 2008

IT'S SING ALONG TIME!!!!!!!!!

Sing along with me kiddies. The topic of this song is "Panties"

PANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIESPANTIES


Yah, know what? Let's drop the subject.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Basic Rambling

Ok, by now anyone who reads this knows that I have been invisible lately. Sadly, this is not a result of weight loss, just flat out laziness.

:Holds out hand to have it smacked:

But I have just received the most distrubing news.

SCOTLAND HAS KNIGHTED A PENGUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My own people are turning against me. :Cries:

This means he can command armies!!!! Send troops!!!!!! Make dogs and cats live together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bring on the ice packs and the bandaids. I am going to be the first casualty in the war, I know it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

So,......

What do you do with a drunken soldier?

Who are "they" when they said so?

Why do we believe that there are a million stars in the sky, but have to touch the wall or door when we see a "Wet Paint" sign?

Why do I even bother?

Monday, September 01, 2008

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Huh?

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Difference

The difference between a friend and a best friend is in what they say. The following should help you see the difference.

A Friend Says: Yeah, I will come bail you out.
A Best Friend Says: That was fun until they took away the lighter.

A Friend Says: She gave you herpes? Bitch!!
A Best Friend Says: Don't worry, I gave her crabs as revenge for you.

A Friend Says: I just got a blowjob.
A Best Friend Says: I just got 2 blowjobs. Want yours?

A Friend Says: I'm on my way.
A Best Friend Says: I'm here.

A Friend Says: Not the best haircut you ever got.
A Best Friend Says: Now we look like twins.

A Friend Says: Why would you use that much peanut butter?
A Best Friend Says: I'll be back, we need more peanut butter.

A Friend Says: I will never leave you.
A Best Friend Says: I never left you.

A Friend Says: That is impossible, it can't be done. But go ahead and try.
A Best Friend Says: Hold my beer while we try this.

Hope the differences are clear now.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Jibber Jabber

Well hello my little mental breakdowns.

How are we today?

I am well. I have had some special fun in store for us today.

First we are going to go to the old folks home and count the wrinkles. First one to get past a thousand wins a shiny new nickel.

Seeing as that should only take about 4 or 5 minutes, we will then go across the street to the park. For lunch, we will see what people feed us when we dress up like pigeons and warn them that if they dont feed us, we will poop on their heads!!

I then have an arts and crafts time period planned. We will go to the back alleys of stores downtown, pick up as many styrofoam containers as we can find and then, using our spit, we will glue them to parking meters. Then we will use all the noodles we find and try to pin them on all the men in business suits in the financial district.

Once that is done, we will come home by hitchhiking on buses and lying under taxi cabs.

Once you are all tuckered out from our day, we are going to rest on this nice piece of sandpaper that i was going to use for toilet paper.

Love you and remember, the only good friend, is a shaved friend.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Me

It is funny. I have really been trying something new this year. I am being the real me. Or at least trying.

It is hard, to be honest. Because I don't really know who I am. I do know the following:

I am a good man
I am a good father

And that is it. I like to think I am a caring guy. A passionate one. My heart is on my sleeve and you know what? It sucks.

Depression kicks me in the balls everytime. I have tried to love and am now alone.

I know some people will say "But you have your son!"

Yeah, but he is not the right choice for in the night when I need someone to hold me close and tell me that my fears are nothing to actually worry about? He can't take me out for a coffee or beer and say, "So talk to me"

I want someone to hold me. Love me. Tell me it is ok to cry because they are there for me. But I crawl into bed each night and all I have to hold is a pillow. Sure, some can say "I have someone, but we fight." or, "After a while you don't notice they are there" Bullshit. I always know when the person is there.

Don't take your partner for granted! Trust me.

My life is night after night of sitting here. Talking with people who barely know me deep inside. No one bothers to ask about my hopes, dreams, desires and wishes. Because no one really cares.

Why bother calling anyone. No one calls me. I have tried to call people up just to say hi, or see how they are doing and I felt them feeling uncomfortable. In your thirties it seems to be weird. Why? What is wrong with just saying hi?

It lets you know that you are thinking of them. It lets them know that you are improtant enough to them that they are worth the time to call.

I honestly don't know if I even care anymore. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL THING.

Maybe it is best if the heart on my sleeve stops beating. The one in my chest can keep me alive, so why bother with the other one.

Fuck it, I am moving to Germany and becoming a cheese churner.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I Don't Care What Anyone Says.

Here are somethings you need to do to make your life more interesting.

Drool at random intervals.

Wear you underwear on the outside of your pants. (This is especially funny if you are wearing a skirt instead.)

Play patty-cake with a statue.

Ask a hot dog vendor if he has any sacrifical blood as a condiment.

Give total strangers a penny and thank them for the previous night.

Wear slippers to a job interview that you have no plans on accepting.

Go to a night club with all of your clothing on backwards.

Bring a puppet out with you and consult it before answering any questions from your friends.

Yell out, "All Hail Luke Skywalker" in church/synagogue.

Carry a small jar of Cheeze Whiz with you and when you look at members of the opposite sex, wiggle your eyebrows suggestively.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Ahoy!!!!

Well little voices, how are we today?

You know that my birthday is coming up and I just want to thank most of you for what you have done for me in the past 35 years.

As I approach mid-life, I am seeing things in a new light. That is what happens when you change the bulb. It is nice to once and a while take of your pants and slide on the ice, but what do you do in the summer?

Happiness is not a warm puppy, nor is it a warm gun. It is waking up each morning and seeing that your ears are still straight.

No man is an island, ya gotta have friends. But sadly some friends are like a penis. It comes, it goes, and most people consider it nothing but a little prick.

Oh look!!! Something shiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 08, 2008

A Poem I Wrote Years Ago

Feeling a little down these days and thought I would post a poem I once wrote called "The Clown"

Standing tall for all to see
Everyone has their eyes on me
So I step up to take center stage
But my make-up smile is hiding my rage

With a wink of an eye and a sly crooked grin
I'll tell you my stories of laughter and sin
Some of you laugh or say, "Not again"
But it's all just acting, I'm hiding my pain

Farce and folly, the shields that I show
Because I want to watch that persons smile grow
Of course you will chuckle, sometimes not know why
While shaking your head you can't see me cry

Making my wise-cracks, tossing my puns
Sometimes they're nasty, but all meant in fun
All this is usually done with some beers
But look in my eyes, can you see the tears

But the curtain is drawn, the lights are now off
The make-up is wiped and you sit and scoff
The show is now over, it's time to tear down
Again I have hidden, the tears of this clown

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Thoughts On Life

Lately I have been missing the philosophical side of myself and have decided to let my brain wonder on things. This is what I have come up with.

When you balance reality and fiction, there is less friction.

Life without passion, is no life.

Follow your heart to where it leads, but listen to who it leads you to.

If we were meant to be alone, we would not have feelings.

Time passes slower when you do nothing with it.

If you can't look at one friend and say "I love you", you have no friends at all.

Love and Luv should be shared.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but a hug is worth a million pictures.

No matter where you end up, someones heart is the place to be.

Why cry when you can laugh?

If many people call you friend, one will call you lover.

You can be alone in a crowd, and still be happy.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Always

OK, I cannot keep silent about this anymore.

For over a year now Always maxi pads have had the slogan, "Have A Happy Period."

ARE YOU FUCKIN NUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!

This must be the proof that aliens exist. I mean who in their right mind would think that this is a good marketing slogan???? Not a woman, that's for sure. No woman has ever thought that anything short of 600 litres of chocolate ice cream, and the head of the jackass who took her virginity then never called on a silver platter can result in a "Happy Period".

I am a guy, and even I know that no woman has ever had a "Happy Period"!!

It could not have been a guy, because in order to work for an advertising agency, you have to be at least 18 years old. By then almost every man has gotten laid. Therefore he has seen what a woman is like on her period, and therefore knows that there is no such thing.

If it is not aliens, it is run by 20 something guys who have lived in their parents basement since conception, knows word for word the entire scripts for Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Xena, Stargate and Hercules!!!

I say we find out who okayed the ads, and force feed them in little pieces to the person who thought it up.

"Happy Period", fuck, as if it were possible.

I Dunno

So, I was wondering.

Is a thong for a 300lb woman really just a slingshot without the sticks?

Why is it illegal to sell an orgasm, but legal to give one away? (Thanks George)

If you have big feet, and can't see them, how did they get so big? Nothing grows in the shade.

If everybody in China farted at the same time, would the earth be pushed out of orbit, or just speed up its rotation for a few seconds?

How does a glue stick manage to slide out of the tube?

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why do we still see ugly people?

If you build it, will they really come?

What would you call a hummingbird that knew the lyrics?

Who first said, "That meat would probably be better after setting it on fire."?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The New Year So Far.....

And now to recap the events of the New Year:









Thanks for coming. Please leave your underwear in the bin to the left.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

What New Years Means To Me

Another year of:

Ben Mulroney (Please cancel the damned show!!)
No cash
No women


Seriously, why?