Me

It is funny. I have really been trying something new this year. I am being the real me. Or at least trying.

It is hard, to be honest. Because I don't really know who I am. I do know the following:

I am a good man
I am a good father

And that is it. I like to think I am a caring guy. A passionate one. My heart is on my sleeve and you know what? It sucks.

Depression kicks me in the balls everytime. I have tried to love and am now alone.

I know some people will say "But you have your son!"

Yeah, but he is not the right choice for in the night when I need someone to hold me close and tell me that my fears are nothing to actually worry about? He can't take me out for a coffee or beer and say, "So talk to me"

I want someone to hold me. Love me. Tell me it is ok to cry because they are there for me. But I crawl into bed each night and all I have to hold is a pillow. Sure, some can say "I have someone, but we fight." or, "After a while you don't notice they are there" Bullshit. I always know when the person is there.

Don't take your partner for granted! Trust me.

My life is night after night of sitting here. Talking with people who barely know me deep inside. No one bothers to ask about my hopes, dreams, desires and wishes. Because no one really cares.

Why bother calling anyone. No one calls me. I have tried to call people up just to say hi, or see how they are doing and I felt them feeling uncomfortable. In your thirties it seems to be weird. Why? What is wrong with just saying hi?

It lets you know that you are thinking of them. It lets them know that you are improtant enough to them that they are worth the time to call.

I honestly don't know if I even care anymore. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL THING.

Maybe it is best if the heart on my sleeve stops beating. The one in my chest can keep me alive, so why bother with the other one.

Fuck it, I am moving to Germany and becoming a cheese churner.

I Don't Care What Anyone Says.

Here are somethings you need to do to make your life more interesting.

Drool at random intervals.

Wear you underwear on the outside of your pants. (This is especially funny if you are wearing a skirt instead.)

Play patty-cake with a statue.

Ask a hot dog vendor if he has any sacrifical blood as a condiment.

Give total strangers a penny and thank them for the previous night.

Wear slippers to a job interview that you have no plans on accepting.

Go to a night club with all of your clothing on backwards.

Bring a puppet out with you and consult it before answering any questions from your friends.

Yell out, "All Hail Luke Skywalker" in church/synagogue.

Carry a small jar of Cheeze Whiz with you and when you look at members of the opposite sex, wiggle your eyebrows suggestively.