Sunday, December 23, 2007

T'was The Night Before Christmas (I Need A Fucki'n Beer)

T'was the night before Christmas and this is my house.
Pa was asleep, the fat drunken louse.
Ma was upstairs with her dildo on high.
My brother the crack head was trying to stay dry.

The kiddies we gone, totally snoozed.
Cause we weren't looking and so they got boozed.
As we picked them up and took them to bed,
Johnny boy puked and my face got all red.

I had just finished one beer and was ready for bed.
When I heard a great band that was not in my head.
I ran to the window and what did I see?
My gay cousin Ernie was taking a pee.

He looked on the roof and gave a great squeal.
I had to go out to see what was the deal.
A man with a sack was way on the top.
He was dressed all in black, so I called a cop.

I went back in the house to go and pass out.
When this big guy in red let out a big shout.
I reached for a gun and then I took aim.
I shot not to kill, but only to maim.

The fat bugger ducked, and I hit the fire.
The scotch bottle shattered and sent the flames higher.
The big jolly elf was totally pissed.
And as he turned on me, I was sorry I missed.

He looked into his sack and took out a small stick.
It's fuse was 12 inches, more than my dick.
And into the fire he threw this big candle.
It caused a big boom, more than I knew I could handle.

He then came right at me with a wood baseball bat.
He roared so damned loud, it freaked out my cat.
I ran really fast, and hid under the couch.
But he got my legs and I cried out "Ouch!!!!!!!!!"

Well, not really I lie, I said something worse.
But...ah what the fuck, I let out a curse.
I hobbled on out from my hidey place.
And then that fat bastard threw soot in my face.

I screamed and I cried and fell over a vase.
Then he sprayed my eyes, with a whole can of mace.
I fell to the ground as I called out "Stop"
But the shit head he gave me, a single last pop.

He then picked me up, and gave a big smile.
As I grabbed a tooth that had fell on the tile.
He gave me a gift and then he disappeared.
The night could be over, but not quite I feared.

Santa's a bastard, he doesn't fight fair.
As a trophy he came back, and took a lock of hair.
He has won this round, and maybe next year.
I'll skip fuckin Christmas and hide in Zaire.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Must Note

The following is a list of things I think everyone should know. It may save your life one day.

1. Pants are a must.
2. Jeans count as pants.
3. A pepperoni pizza covers all 4 basic food groups, therefore it is ok to wash it down with chocolate sauce.
4. Love is not logical.
5. Pain happens.
6. Blowjobs are a good thing.
7. Without photos, there is no proof.
8. There is no rule eight.
9. The sky is only the limit if you are not an astronaut.
10. No one is automatically good in bed. It takes practice.
11. If life were fair, I would be on my third marriage, 8th trip to rehab and my 3rd comeback album. All without gaining the belly.
12. He will always be an asshole.
13. She will always be a bitch.
14. They are never wrong, unless they are.
15. Hubba Hubba. Nuff said.
16. See rule 8.
17. Falling off a building does not kill you, nor does a car crash. It is the sudden stop of movement that does it.
18. They care more about you than you do yourself. Unless you are so vain.
19. Memories are only good if they make you laugh. Forget the rest.
20. Men should not wear panties unless they are starting in the RHPS.
21. No one can think of more than 22 things in one sitting.
22. ............I got nothing.

Monday, December 17, 2007

So, I Have Been Thinking

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Sorry, bad weekend.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sunday, December 09, 2007

As God.....

I have decided that I want to run for the position of God.

As such, I am stating my list of 10 Commandments for you to follow.

1. Thou shalt shake thy booty at least once a week.
2. Thou shalt be given free liposuction if thou art 40lbs overweight.
3. Thou shalt not kill. (One the originals, I know, but I like it.)
4. Thou shalt wear only thongs and G-strings if thou art a woman (except that time of the month).
5. Thou shalt discover the need for penguins to the ecological well being of the universe. If one cannot be found, thou shalt use them as new food source.
6. Thou shalt take turns massaging God's nether regions.
7. Thou shalt ensure that scientists work on a way to make chocolate non-fattening, taste the same as the fattening kind that currently exists, and make it as healthy to eat as vegetables.
8. Thou shalt earn at least $56 an hour, but only work 4 hours a day.
9. Thou shalt take turns massaging God's nether regions. (I know this is a repeat, but I consider it important enough to be put down twice!!)
10. Every day, I shall appoint one person to be the Patron Saint of Sex. Keep the prayers coming, tomorrow, it could be YOU!!!!!!!





Has anyone seen my car keys?

Monday, December 03, 2007

Random Thoughts

So, where do Eskimo's go on vacation?

Is there really more than one way to skin a cat?

Why is it called a blowjob when there is mostly sucking involved?

Should we really be able to get glue out of the bottle?

Why is it taking a "dump" when we leave something behind?

Why do we perform sexual acts involving out mouths and genitalia, then consider a lick on the cheek disgusting? It is the same saliva as when you get a kiss on the cheek?

Whoever said money cannot buy happiness, never got a really expensive call girl.

Why do people say that life sucks? What have the got to compare it to?

Who is Pete that we are doing it for his sake? I can understand doing it for Christ's sake, but I don't know Pete.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Songs Finally Answered

I was informed that I did not answer the question "Will you still love me tomorrow?" on one of my previous blogs.

Shame on me. That is one of the biggest and earliest song questions ever asked.

The answer is simple.

Only if I remember tonight.