Best Wishes To All In The New Year

Well, it is December 31st and the new year is apon us. A time to reflect on the past year and decide for ourselves what we want to accomplish in this upcoming year. I don't want to make any "New Year Resolutions" because I never live up to them, so instead, I am going to look at what I did wrong, and learn from my mistakes.

1. Don't let myself freak out over the smallest things.
2. I used to be a laid back guy, and I have been too uptight about shit. Time to mellow out again.
3. Don't take my life for granted. Surprises can happen if you get too full of yourself.

There is an old story about a college professor who gave his students the meaning of life in a jar.
He brought in a jar, some rocks, pebbles, sand and a beer.

First he put the rocks into the jar and told his class, "This represents the most important things in your life. Family, friends, the ones you love, and the ones who love you."

He then put the pebbles in and said, "This is your responsibilities. Your job, your bills, etc."

The he placed the sand in and informed the class, "This is the problems in life. They will work their way throughout everthing else and can seem to overwhelm you so you cannot see the other things, but don't forget that the rocks are still there and always will be."

One of his students noticed how full the jar was and asked the proffessor, "Well, I can see your point and the jar is now full, so what is the point of the beer?"

The proffessor smiled and simply opened the beer, and poured it into the jar. Even though the jar appeared to have no more space, the beer flowed through the nooks and crannies and fit into the jar perfectly.

"No matter what is happening, and no matter how full life seems, there is always room to sit back and relax with a beer."


Sounds like good wisdom to me.

Happy new year. To those who wronged me, I forgive you, and to those I wronged, I am sorry. To everyone else, see you at the bar!!!!

Time To Act Like A Kid!!!!!!! (But, Really, When Is It Not?)

Hello all you out there in cyberland!!!!

Ok, so it is time to fill in what we got for Christmas!!! But, before I do, Ang tagged me and you have to send it out to 6 people, and I don't have 6 people to tag, so ttttthhhhhhppppppppppttttttt, aint gonna do it.

So, being 33 and broke, I dont get alot for Christmas, but here is what I did get.

I got 8 beers (Highland Scottish Ale, 2 packs with 4 each)
A Limited Edition Darth Vader figure
A Darth Vader clippy toy that you can hang off your back pack
The Beatles "Love" Album
Meat Loaf "Bat Out Of Hell III"
Clerks 2
A Very Nice Sweater
Crown Royal Rye Whiskey Gift Set with 2 shot glasses.


I like them all!!!!!!!!!! So what did you get?

Just A Simple Message

Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)
Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)
Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)
Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)
Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)
Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)
Merry (Enter your holiday/greeting/salutation of choice here)

And a happy new year.

Happy Holidays

Ok, Ok, no rant today.

H
AP
PY
HOLI
DAYS!!
!

I think that says it all.

(and I even mean that to the penguins)

ENOUGH IS A FUCKING NUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired of the creepy head of politically correct shoving its head up my ass, and the ass of others.

I live in Toronto, ON, Canada. At one of the courthouses down here, a christmas tree has been banned from being on display because of the possible offence it could cause, but some people say as long as it is called a "Holiday Tree" then it is not so bad!! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!

I LOVE the fact that a local Muslim leader said "We should ban political correctness instead of Christmas Trees".

The tree is a part of the commercialization of this holiday time and has nothing to do with any religion. Just because the season has the word Christ in it, it is automatically labeled religious. Same goes for Santa and his reindeer.

There are two versions to "Christmas" in my book. The religious one in which some people celebrate the birth of Jesus, and then there is the tree, wreaths, wrapping paper. PLEASE STOP LINKING THE 2 TOGETHER.

All becasue some idiots think that having a symbol of one "religion" in place means you cant have other ones as well.

Hanukkah, Ramadan(-ul-Mubarik), and Kwanzaa are just a few of the holidays that take place around this time of year and I was raised as a Catholic (please forgive me, it wasnt my fault). I have a really fucked up idea, but hear me out.

LETS HAVE ALL OF THEM REPRESENTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of living in a world where there is a mentality of "We do it my way or no way", how about we try this: "Just as I have a right to show my beliefs, so do others. Maybe I will learn something new!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some people I know say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry X-Mas". This takes the Christ out of Christmas and also wishes you well in what ever holiday you celebrate, no matter what your culture or religion is.

Last I read, most religions talk about being nice to others. So why do we use it as a basis to hate or disrespect others???? We are all homo-sapiens born on the planet Earth. In my books that means that no matter what colour you are, what religion you practice, who you fuck in bed, or what is between your legs, you are to be respected unless your actions deem otherwise.

Instead of trying to hide things so that others won't be offended, how about we start showing the symbols of others so that all feel represented? Is that really such a bad fucking idea?

Now, I may be wrong in some of this stuff, and if I have put something down as fact, and it is way off base, please make a comment and let me know.

Just A Good Weekend

Hey my little viewers of the abusrd, how are we all tonight?

I just got in from a weekend that was filled with nothing, but just was nothing but a good time.

Did you ever have one of those? We did absolutly nothing, but I am sitting here just feeling good, and enjoyed myself (not that way you perverts!!!)

A buddy of mine needed a hand, so I spent the weekend driving him around, running errands and the like. We drove out to London so he could pick up his son from the mommy, and seeing as she is my ex, it was nice to see her too.

Just drove this weekend, helped the wifey do some christmas shopping. She got my son the Lego Star Wars game for his Gameboy, which he just loves the version for the PS2, so I know he is going to go ballistic over that gift!!

Drove my buddy and his son back to London, and stopped off at this truck stop for one of the most amazing meals I have ever had in my life. Did you ever have a meal, where it is just so delicious that you dont want to stop eating, and you feel that you can handle eating for the next few hours, without getting full, because the food is just that good? This is what it was like tonight.

The only sour note for this weekend was something my father did. I came home last night to discover that my dad had set up the christmas decorations. On the front door is a little hanging that has a banner saying "Ho Ho Ho" Beneath this banner is 3 little stockings and above the banner is the owners of the stockings.

PENGUINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are coming for me soon. I know it.




Ninety nine percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

Shit, I have been tagged again!!!

OK! The only reason I am doing this is because I am suffering from total bordem:

Five Snacks I Enjoy:

Chocolate Chip Cookies
Nougat Wafers with Ice Cream (It is a Scottish thing)
Ice Cream
Scotch
Beer
(I don't care what anyone says, the last two are snacks to me!!)

Five bands/artists that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs:

Meat Loaf
The Beatles
Guns N' Roses
(working on it) Edguy
Sin Bin Wardens (Ok, they dont really exist, but I couldnt think of another one, and I just think it would be a great name for a band)

Five things I would do with $100,000,000:

Pay off my debts
Build my dream house
Start my own business
Pay the original cast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" to perform it live on my birthday every year
Travel, travel, travel

Five locations I’d like to run away to:

Scotland
Egypt
Hawaii
Australia
Germany

Five things I like doing:

Raising my son
Writing
Reading
Drinking
Playing with peoples perception of reality

Five things I wish I could wear:

Spandex (and look good in it)
Freddie Mercury's iconic outfit (White tanktop, white pants and yellow leather jacket)
A Thong (Lets face it, I dont have the body for it yet)
A bunny outfit in a church
You (unles the person reading this is male, I aint that kind of boy)

Five TV shows I like:

CSI (Vegas)
Heros
Dr. Who
Holmes on Homes
NCIS

Five Movies:

Rocky Horror Picture Show
Casablanca
Young Frankenstein
PCU
Any Kevin Smith Film with Jay and Silent Bob

Five famous people I’d like to meet:
Alive

Billy Connolly
Axl Rose
Kevin Smith
George Carlin
Denis Leary

Dead

John Lennon
Freddie Mercury
Adolph Hitler (Just to smack the bastard around for a few hours)
Elivs (HE IS DEAD, DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!)
My Grandparents for one more time

Five biggest joys at the moment:

Due to feeling kinda blah and bored, I have nothing at this time
(Don't worry folks, I am not depressed again)

Five favorite toys:

A book
TV
Computer
Women
Men

I have no one to tag because the person on my list, is the one who sent it to me. So If you are not Angell, but read this. Consider yourself tagged

Christmas is Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot condone Christmas. I don't trust anything about it.

First of all, it is supposed to be a time of year where we celebrate a religious leaders birth.

Last time I checked, Jesus didn't have a red and white, fur-lined suite, and fly in a sleigh lead by 8 (or 9, or even 10 depending on which story you follow).

Santa?!?!?!?! An overweight guy who starts by going to public places and giving kids candy so they will sit on his knee. AND WE TAKE PHOTOS OF THIS, SO ITS NOT LIKE WE DONT HAVE EVIDENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We approve of him breaking into our homes, not knowing what he is really doing. How do we know that he just "leaves presents"?

I Dont LIke It. And i strongly suspect that Rudolph has a red nose because he drinks too much rum.





Don't take life too seriously: it isn't permanent

My Friend Randy Beaman Is Weird

Ok so like one time my friend Randy Beaman and I were walking around town and we saw a dead frog in the street. Randy said he was glad it was dead cause he had heard that frogs had herpes and his sister told him that you get herpes from sex. Randy said that sex is what happens when things called hormones take over your body and make you hairy like the wolfman and he doesnt want to be a wolfman cause his mom would be mad at him for being out past 6pm.





Ok bye

FUCK I HATE BEING TAGGED!!!!!!!

Ok, so my friend Ang tagged me. Normally I hate this shit, and don't respond, but I am a little liquored up and decided, "What the hell". So here we go.

3 Things That Scare Me

Being Alone
Accepting The Fact That I Can't Help People As Much As I Would Like
Being Alone (Yes I know i said it twice, but it really scares me)

3 People Who Make Me Laugh

Billy Connolly
Sam Kinison
Richard Pryor
(There are so many more, but I am only allowed to put 3)

3 Things I Love

Passion
People Who Don't Give A Fuck What Others Think
Scotch

3 Things I Hate

Ignorant Humans
Stupid Humans
Assinine Humans

3 Things On My Desk

The Clown From Spawn
A Hot Wheels Joker (yes HIM from Batman) Hot Rod
A Darth Vader Pez Dispenser

3 Things I Am Doing Right Now

Filling My Zippo (With me, that can sound like a kinky euphanism, but it is what it says it is)
Entering Info On My Blog
Evesdropping On The TV Show "Heroes"

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

**(This Information Has Been Edited By The Writer To Avoid Any Lawsuits, or Divorce Proceedings)***

3 Things I Can Do

Drink
Think
Fuck
( I have actually been known to do all 3 at once [God Bless My Wife For Thinking This One Up])

3 Things I Can't Do

Remember To......I Forget
Get It Together
Mentally Stabilize

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To

Your (non-violent) Inner-voice
Your Libido (Provided It Doesn't Risk Destroying Your Most Important Relationship)
Commands From My (and Angel's) Father, The Dark Overlord Himself

3 Things You Shouldn't Listen To

Barry Manilow
John Tesh
Anything by Emo Phillips

3 Things I'd Like To Learn

The Meaning Of Life
The Meaning Of Liff
Why Women Go To The Bathroom In Groups

3 Favorite Foods

Chicken
Caesar Salad
Chocolate

3 Bevarages I Drink Regularly

Beer
Beer
Beer

3 Shows I Watched As A Kid

Night Court
The A-Team
The Fall Guy

And That Ends My List






Women can fake orgasms, men can fake the whole relationships.

Penguins

I think the penguins are coming for me.

I am pretty sure I can hold my own against them, but am still scared that my body will be found in an ice machine somewhere with several suspicious beak marks in my back.

Asshole Employers

Some compmanies are just fucking stupid. I was hired recently at a new company. I was thrown into an enviorenment that I knew only the basics, but didn't know their system of doing things.

I fully admit that I screwed up on a few things, but is 2 weeks really enough time to see if someone knows what they are doing?

Also, it is cold and flu season. I got sick. Even though I was sick as a dog on Monday, I still went in. I figured I would see how long I could last, and ended out the day. But Tuesday morning, I could barely move. I was tempted to call my son's school and babysitter to tell them that I was in no condition to move, so my son would be staying home with me. But I got him out, came home, then called in sick.

They called me later and told me I was fired, and get this, they said that the one of the reasons that I was fired we because I was calling in sick.

Bastards. It is not even like it was a busy time. They even told me that this time of year was slow for them.

Aw, well. I will get something better.






Nobody is perfect. I am nobody.

Weird shit.

Ok, for some reason I couldn't post for a while. This website kept telling me that it couldn't locate my blog account, and therefore wouldn't let me post. Aw well, it's working now.

Smile, the dead have no choice.

General Rambling (entered by Corporal Pain)

So I am standing in line at the bank with my tounge up this chicks ass......sorry bad channeling for a moment.

The past few posts have been a little silly, so I figured, time for a not so wacky one. I love karma sometimes.

So get this, just over 3 weeks ago I was fired from my job (again!!! I am thinking I should tell the government that I deserve welfare because I am unemployable). It sucked and I was lucky enough to find a new job in just 3 weeks. Thats gotta be a record for me.

Anyway, I was still in contact with my now former co-workers and found out that the day I got the new job, everyone from my old job was fired. It was in an outsourcing call centre location, and they were told that they would be re-hired once they had they "work at home" program they had been talking about about 2 months ago.

Would have preferred to be let go that way instead because at least I would have gotten severence pay, but in the end its all good.

I like the new job because I am left pretty much on my own and if all goes well, it will last a long time.


I always finish what I...

You Know What?

I'm tired. Wanna go night night. Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Cant sleep, pneguins know I am aware of their plans and are hunting me. Beware the chicken, she isn't as dumb as she pretends to be.

Who was the first to look under a cow/goat and say "You see that dangly thing underneath? I'm gonna drink whatever comes out of there!"

MOOD SWING!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so today I am up, or as I like to call it "On My Meds" and I must talk about a topic that I have discussed with my friends for years.

PENGUINS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever seen footage of them? They all stand around talking in code. Oh yes, make no mistakes my friends, that is not "penguin chatter" it is a code. They know how cute they are and they use it to their advantage. They get friendly with us, let the documentary people put cameras on them, and look like they are playing all day, IT"S SUBTRAFUGE!!!!!!!

When they are diving into the water, they are practicing for when they have to swim large distances to take over the land!!

AND THEY ARE NOT ALONE. Chickens are the ground patrol and seagulls and pigeons are the air force!!!

Why do you think that chickens reproduce so much? Why do seagulls and pigeons seem to be everywhere?

It's a plot I tell you!! It's a plot.

It took several years, but even my wife agrees with me. She once told me "After all the evidence I have seen, I have to agree. You are right, they are plotting something."

Watch them carefully.

You could be next.



Carp Diem - "Seize the fish"

Here We Go!!!!

Well folks,

This is it. My first blog!! Honestly to me "blog" sounds like a euphanism for taking a shit (Oh boy, I realy gotta drop a blog).

But, my moods swing more than Tarzan on crack, and my friend suggested this as a way to release stress, so, what the fuck. I am willing to try anything once. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME CAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somedays I will write about things that are getting me down, and sometimes I will write just because I am feeling weird.

Today I started this thing with a whole bunch of reasons that I started feeling a little depressed about, but after talking with a couple of friends, I have re-written this blog several times and ain't so down anymore.

Thanks to all of you who listened.

I will be by later to kiss any exposed pink parts.

So that is it for now, and I promise the weirdness will begin soon. And if not.....who gives a shit?