The difference between a friend and a best friend is in what they say. The following should help you see the difference.
A Friend Says: Yeah, I will come bail you out.
A Best Friend Says: That was fun until they took away the lighter.
A Friend Says: She gave you herpes? Bitch!!
A Best Friend Says: Don't worry, I gave her crabs as revenge for you.
A Friend Says: I just got a blowjob.
A Best Friend Says: I just got 2 blowjobs. Want yours?
A Friend Says: I'm on my way.
A Best Friend Says: I'm here.
A Friend Says: Not the best haircut you ever got.
A Best Friend Says: Now we look like twins.
A Friend Says: Why would you use that much peanut butter?
A Best Friend Says: I'll be back, we need more peanut butter.
A Friend Says: I will never leave you.
A Best Friend Says: I never left you.
A Friend Says: That is impossible, it can't be done. But go ahead and try.
A Best Friend Says: Hold my beer while we try this.
Hope the differences are clear now.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Jibber Jabber
Well hello my little mental breakdowns.
How are we today?
I am well. I have had some special fun in store for us today.
First we are going to go to the old folks home and count the wrinkles. First one to get past a thousand wins a shiny new nickel.
Seeing as that should only take about 4 or 5 minutes, we will then go across the street to the park. For lunch, we will see what people feed us when we dress up like pigeons and warn them that if they dont feed us, we will poop on their heads!!
I then have an arts and crafts time period planned. We will go to the back alleys of stores downtown, pick up as many styrofoam containers as we can find and then, using our spit, we will glue them to parking meters. Then we will use all the noodles we find and try to pin them on all the men in business suits in the financial district.
Once that is done, we will come home by hitchhiking on buses and lying under taxi cabs.
Once you are all tuckered out from our day, we are going to rest on this nice piece of sandpaper that i was going to use for toilet paper.
Love you and remember, the only good friend, is a shaved friend.
How are we today?
I am well. I have had some special fun in store for us today.
First we are going to go to the old folks home and count the wrinkles. First one to get past a thousand wins a shiny new nickel.
Seeing as that should only take about 4 or 5 minutes, we will then go across the street to the park. For lunch, we will see what people feed us when we dress up like pigeons and warn them that if they dont feed us, we will poop on their heads!!
I then have an arts and crafts time period planned. We will go to the back alleys of stores downtown, pick up as many styrofoam containers as we can find and then, using our spit, we will glue them to parking meters. Then we will use all the noodles we find and try to pin them on all the men in business suits in the financial district.
Once that is done, we will come home by hitchhiking on buses and lying under taxi cabs.
Once you are all tuckered out from our day, we are going to rest on this nice piece of sandpaper that i was going to use for toilet paper.
Love you and remember, the only good friend, is a shaved friend.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Me
It is funny. I have really been trying something new this year. I am being the real me. Or at least trying.
It is hard, to be honest. Because I don't really know who I am. I do know the following:
I am a good man
I am a good father
And that is it. I like to think I am a caring guy. A passionate one. My heart is on my sleeve and you know what? It sucks.
Depression kicks me in the balls everytime. I have tried to love and am now alone.
I know some people will say "But you have your son!"
Yeah, but he is not the right choice for in the night when I need someone to hold me close and tell me that my fears are nothing to actually worry about? He can't take me out for a coffee or beer and say, "So talk to me"
I want someone to hold me. Love me. Tell me it is ok to cry because they are there for me. But I crawl into bed each night and all I have to hold is a pillow. Sure, some can say "I have someone, but we fight." or, "After a while you don't notice they are there" Bullshit. I always know when the person is there.
Don't take your partner for granted! Trust me.
My life is night after night of sitting here. Talking with people who barely know me deep inside. No one bothers to ask about my hopes, dreams, desires and wishes. Because no one really cares.
Why bother calling anyone. No one calls me. I have tried to call people up just to say hi, or see how they are doing and I felt them feeling uncomfortable. In your thirties it seems to be weird. Why? What is wrong with just saying hi?
It lets you know that you are thinking of them. It lets them know that you are improtant enough to them that they are worth the time to call.
I honestly don't know if I even care anymore. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL THING.
Maybe it is best if the heart on my sleeve stops beating. The one in my chest can keep me alive, so why bother with the other one.
Fuck it, I am moving to Germany and becoming a cheese churner.
It is hard, to be honest. Because I don't really know who I am. I do know the following:
I am a good man
I am a good father
And that is it. I like to think I am a caring guy. A passionate one. My heart is on my sleeve and you know what? It sucks.
Depression kicks me in the balls everytime. I have tried to love and am now alone.
I know some people will say "But you have your son!"
Yeah, but he is not the right choice for in the night when I need someone to hold me close and tell me that my fears are nothing to actually worry about? He can't take me out for a coffee or beer and say, "So talk to me"
I want someone to hold me. Love me. Tell me it is ok to cry because they are there for me. But I crawl into bed each night and all I have to hold is a pillow. Sure, some can say "I have someone, but we fight." or, "After a while you don't notice they are there" Bullshit. I always know when the person is there.
Don't take your partner for granted! Trust me.
My life is night after night of sitting here. Talking with people who barely know me deep inside. No one bothers to ask about my hopes, dreams, desires and wishes. Because no one really cares.
Why bother calling anyone. No one calls me. I have tried to call people up just to say hi, or see how they are doing and I felt them feeling uncomfortable. In your thirties it seems to be weird. Why? What is wrong with just saying hi?
It lets you know that you are thinking of them. It lets them know that you are improtant enough to them that they are worth the time to call.
I honestly don't know if I even care anymore. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL THING.
Maybe it is best if the heart on my sleeve stops beating. The one in my chest can keep me alive, so why bother with the other one.
Fuck it, I am moving to Germany and becoming a cheese churner.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
I Don't Care What Anyone Says.
Here are somethings you need to do to make your life more interesting.
Drool at random intervals.
Wear you underwear on the outside of your pants. (This is especially funny if you are wearing a skirt instead.)
Play patty-cake with a statue.
Ask a hot dog vendor if he has any sacrifical blood as a condiment.
Give total strangers a penny and thank them for the previous night.
Wear slippers to a job interview that you have no plans on accepting.
Go to a night club with all of your clothing on backwards.
Bring a puppet out with you and consult it before answering any questions from your friends.
Yell out, "All Hail Luke Skywalker" in church/synagogue.
Carry a small jar of Cheeze Whiz with you and when you look at members of the opposite sex, wiggle your eyebrows suggestively.
Drool at random intervals.
Wear you underwear on the outside of your pants. (This is especially funny if you are wearing a skirt instead.)
Play patty-cake with a statue.
Ask a hot dog vendor if he has any sacrifical blood as a condiment.
Give total strangers a penny and thank them for the previous night.
Wear slippers to a job interview that you have no plans on accepting.
Go to a night club with all of your clothing on backwards.
Bring a puppet out with you and consult it before answering any questions from your friends.
Yell out, "All Hail Luke Skywalker" in church/synagogue.
Carry a small jar of Cheeze Whiz with you and when you look at members of the opposite sex, wiggle your eyebrows suggestively.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Ahoy!!!!
Well little voices, how are we today?
You know that my birthday is coming up and I just want to thank most of you for what you have done for me in the past 35 years.
As I approach mid-life, I am seeing things in a new light. That is what happens when you change the bulb. It is nice to once and a while take of your pants and slide on the ice, but what do you do in the summer?
Happiness is not a warm puppy, nor is it a warm gun. It is waking up each morning and seeing that your ears are still straight.
No man is an island, ya gotta have friends. But sadly some friends are like a penis. It comes, it goes, and most people consider it nothing but a little prick.
Oh look!!! Something shiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know that my birthday is coming up and I just want to thank most of you for what you have done for me in the past 35 years.
As I approach mid-life, I am seeing things in a new light. That is what happens when you change the bulb. It is nice to once and a while take of your pants and slide on the ice, but what do you do in the summer?
Happiness is not a warm puppy, nor is it a warm gun. It is waking up each morning and seeing that your ears are still straight.
No man is an island, ya gotta have friends. But sadly some friends are like a penis. It comes, it goes, and most people consider it nothing but a little prick.
Oh look!!! Something shiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 08, 2008
A Poem I Wrote Years Ago
Feeling a little down these days and thought I would post a poem I once wrote called "The Clown"
Standing tall for all to see
Everyone has their eyes on me
So I step up to take center stage
But my make-up smile is hiding my rage
With a wink of an eye and a sly crooked grin
I'll tell you my stories of laughter and sin
Some of you laugh or say, "Not again"
But it's all just acting, I'm hiding my pain
Farce and folly, the shields that I show
Because I want to watch that persons smile grow
Of course you will chuckle, sometimes not know why
While shaking your head you can't see me cry
Making my wise-cracks, tossing my puns
Sometimes they're nasty, but all meant in fun
All this is usually done with some beers
But look in my eyes, can you see the tears
But the curtain is drawn, the lights are now off
The make-up is wiped and you sit and scoff
The show is now over, it's time to tear down
Again I have hidden, the tears of this clown
Standing tall for all to see
Everyone has their eyes on me
So I step up to take center stage
But my make-up smile is hiding my rage
With a wink of an eye and a sly crooked grin
I'll tell you my stories of laughter and sin
Some of you laugh or say, "Not again"
But it's all just acting, I'm hiding my pain
Farce and folly, the shields that I show
Because I want to watch that persons smile grow
Of course you will chuckle, sometimes not know why
While shaking your head you can't see me cry
Making my wise-cracks, tossing my puns
Sometimes they're nasty, but all meant in fun
All this is usually done with some beers
But look in my eyes, can you see the tears
But the curtain is drawn, the lights are now off
The make-up is wiped and you sit and scoff
The show is now over, it's time to tear down
Again I have hidden, the tears of this clown
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thoughts On Life
Lately I have been missing the philosophical side of myself and have decided to let my brain wonder on things. This is what I have come up with.
When you balance reality and fiction, there is less friction.
Life without passion, is no life.
Follow your heart to where it leads, but listen to who it leads you to.
If we were meant to be alone, we would not have feelings.
Time passes slower when you do nothing with it.
If you can't look at one friend and say "I love you", you have no friends at all.
Love and Luv should be shared.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but a hug is worth a million pictures.
No matter where you end up, someones heart is the place to be.
Why cry when you can laugh?
If many people call you friend, one will call you lover.
You can be alone in a crowd, and still be happy.
When you balance reality and fiction, there is less friction.
Life without passion, is no life.
Follow your heart to where it leads, but listen to who it leads you to.
If we were meant to be alone, we would not have feelings.
Time passes slower when you do nothing with it.
If you can't look at one friend and say "I love you", you have no friends at all.
Love and Luv should be shared.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but a hug is worth a million pictures.
No matter where you end up, someones heart is the place to be.
Why cry when you can laugh?
If many people call you friend, one will call you lover.
You can be alone in a crowd, and still be happy.
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