Ahoy!!!!

Well little voices, how are we today?

You know that my birthday is coming up and I just want to thank most of you for what you have done for me in the past 35 years.

As I approach mid-life, I am seeing things in a new light. That is what happens when you change the bulb. It is nice to once and a while take of your pants and slide on the ice, but what do you do in the summer?

Happiness is not a warm puppy, nor is it a warm gun. It is waking up each morning and seeing that your ears are still straight.

No man is an island, ya gotta have friends. But sadly some friends are like a penis. It comes, it goes, and most people consider it nothing but a little prick.

Oh look!!! Something shiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Poem I Wrote Years Ago

Feeling a little down these days and thought I would post a poem I once wrote called "The Clown"

Standing tall for all to see
Everyone has their eyes on me
So I step up to take center stage
But my make-up smile is hiding my rage

With a wink of an eye and a sly crooked grin
I'll tell you my stories of laughter and sin
Some of you laugh or say, "Not again"
But it's all just acting, I'm hiding my pain

Farce and folly, the shields that I show
Because I want to watch that persons smile grow
Of course you will chuckle, sometimes not know why
While shaking your head you can't see me cry

Making my wise-cracks, tossing my puns
Sometimes they're nasty, but all meant in fun
All this is usually done with some beers
But look in my eyes, can you see the tears

But the curtain is drawn, the lights are now off
The make-up is wiped and you sit and scoff
The show is now over, it's time to tear down
Again I have hidden, the tears of this clown

Thoughts On Life

Lately I have been missing the philosophical side of myself and have decided to let my brain wonder on things. This is what I have come up with.

When you balance reality and fiction, there is less friction.

Life without passion, is no life.

Follow your heart to where it leads, but listen to who it leads you to.

If we were meant to be alone, we would not have feelings.

Time passes slower when you do nothing with it.

If you can't look at one friend and say "I love you", you have no friends at all.

Love and Luv should be shared.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but a hug is worth a million pictures.

No matter where you end up, someones heart is the place to be.

Why cry when you can laugh?

If many people call you friend, one will call you lover.

You can be alone in a crowd, and still be happy.

Always

OK, I cannot keep silent about this anymore.

For over a year now Always maxi pads have had the slogan, "Have A Happy Period."

ARE YOU FUCKIN NUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!

This must be the proof that aliens exist. I mean who in their right mind would think that this is a good marketing slogan???? Not a woman, that's for sure. No woman has ever thought that anything short of 600 litres of chocolate ice cream, and the head of the jackass who took her virginity then never called on a silver platter can result in a "Happy Period".

I am a guy, and even I know that no woman has ever had a "Happy Period"!!

It could not have been a guy, because in order to work for an advertising agency, you have to be at least 18 years old. By then almost every man has gotten laid. Therefore he has seen what a woman is like on her period, and therefore knows that there is no such thing.

If it is not aliens, it is run by 20 something guys who have lived in their parents basement since conception, knows word for word the entire scripts for Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Xena, Stargate and Hercules!!!

I say we find out who okayed the ads, and force feed them in little pieces to the person who thought it up.

"Happy Period", fuck, as if it were possible.

I Dunno

So, I was wondering.

Is a thong for a 300lb woman really just a slingshot without the sticks?

Why is it illegal to sell an orgasm, but legal to give one away? (Thanks George)

If you have big feet, and can't see them, how did they get so big? Nothing grows in the shade.

If everybody in China farted at the same time, would the earth be pushed out of orbit, or just speed up its rotation for a few seconds?

How does a glue stick manage to slide out of the tube?

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why do we still see ugly people?

If you build it, will they really come?

What would you call a hummingbird that knew the lyrics?

Who first said, "That meat would probably be better after setting it on fire."?

The New Year So Far.....

And now to recap the events of the New Year:









Thanks for coming. Please leave your underwear in the bin to the left.

What New Years Means To Me

Another year of:

Ben Mulroney (Please cancel the damned show!!)
No cash
No women


Seriously, why?